Sputum

I hate sputum. It is definitely in my top 5 least favourite bodily fluids. Somehow though, patients are especially proud of their sputum. They will endeavour to produce a sample right in front of you, showing it off like a new baby. They will dig through their rubbish bag to find you a particularly interesting sample from last night.

I even had a patient who apparently collected it at home. "I fill up *that* much of a coffee can in a week", he told me.

That's a lot of commitment to sputum.

Catching fire

"Was it last year we had someone catch fire? That was in the foyer here"

- senior medical consultant on why we can't give home oxygen to smokers