Roadside Manner

Most of you probably think that roadside wees are the domain of shameless young men, full of beer, who simply pull over by the side of the road and wee on a post / tree or their own ute / shoes. But this is not entirely true, and there may come a day when highly dignified people such as you or I have one too many cups of tea before setting off on an afternoon drive through the countryside and find ourselves, shock horror, without amenities! I’m joking of course - this would never happen to me, but it might happen to you, and so I have compiled a short guide on how to best conduct oneself if this situation arises.

• Make sure there is very little traffic on the road
• DO NOT put your hazard lights on. Somebody might think you are in need of assistance (let’s assume that you do not require assistance)
• Choose a bendy part of the road, so you are not visible for a long time in other drivers’ horizons.
• Park on the inside of a curve – if another driver is distracted by your antics, s/he will more likely understeer, so you probably won’t be squashed
• Make sure there are lots of trees (unless you are an exhibitionist, in which case you are probably ignoring all of this advice anyway)
• Don’t zip up / pull up too fast (see here for a warning example)
• If somebody drives past, pretend to be chatting on your mobile phone - they won't suspect a thing
  
• Never lock your keys inside your car

I know there are a few things to remember, so perhaps you can print out this list and stick it to the dashboard of your car, or laminate it and hang it from your rear-vision mirror. Either way, I do hope you enjoy your drive.